In The Beginning: How I Found Our Rhythm
When I was first arriving at the concept of daily rhythms in a more planned sense, it was just about five years ago, I was a mother to an energetic only just two year old boy and a new baby who liked to nurse, a lot, like around the clock, I can not remember him ever not attached. I was touched out, actually let’s rephrase that… my tired was tired. In our family my husband has often worked away from the home often weeks and months at a time and on the times he is home, being a business owner, has meant he is still potentially ‘at work’ every single day. My role in our home has typically been that as a homemaker and carer (now home-school mum) for both of our boys, which I adore, and feel so grateful for. Where we live means we are far away from a lot of extra family support. Especially in the early days of my parenting journey where I was yet to build up community and friendships with other mums, I often felt very alone.
I remember feeling like I had and enormous weight on my shoulders, a weight so heavy, if I let it, it was going to both consume me and crush me into dust at the same time. When it came to birthing the second time round, I had had an elective caesarean due to a fracture on my coccyx bone and a tilt in my pelvis that had been caused by a fall in my pregnancy, I had a sore and broken body and soul, and after two traumatic birth experiences I had a body that wanted, needed and craved rest… in a sense I have never really fully received the post partum care I should have been given. I remember essentially just showing up each and everyday and just doing it all, I felt I had no other choice. It was me and them and they needed me. This inevitably led to burnout.
My first born son is a brilliant light and a incredibly energetic ball of energy, he is also a highly sensitive child and his need for attachment has always been very apparent. The early days of becoming a family of four where both beautiful and really emotionally hard all at the same time. Tending to his needs and a new born baby and the needs and operation of a household meant I was too exhausted to even consider five minutes of care for myself, actually, even if I considered it, it wasn’t happening, as it felt at the time essentially impossible to achieve. Throughout this time, It also become quickly apparent to me that I was breaking a lot of generational cycles when it come to my gentle/ attached style of parenting. I was essentially carrying the weight of also reparenting myself at the same time. My journey in parenthood has been my greatest awakening, the hardest most wonderful and rewarding path I have walked and my greatest healing all at once.
I remember stumbling across a Waldorf inspired blog one day, and so much of what the mama was talking about sung to my soul, I could see similarities in our spirituality, in our hearts and in our values. I had heard of Waldorf education, however, I didn’t know very much about it. I was trained in early childhood and was much more familiar with the Montessori approach, although I did feel as much as I admired Montessori, it didn’t quite fit us as a family just right. Fast forward five years and we have been living in a way that is very held by Waldorf traditions, I have studied Waldorf early childhood education and also facilitated a Waldorf playgroup at a Steiner school initiative. However, the stumbling on this blog was the beginning of my Waldorf journey, It was a beautiful unfolding of self discovery and the light that led the way. I was then on a quest to really simplify our days and bring us to a place of peace and spiritual reverence within our home. She spoke about the importance of rhythms, and I knew this was exactly what we needed at that particular time. At the beginning, I remember sitting down and writing us daily rhythms that looked like how I thought our days should be, it took many attempts and much space holding and releasing any intellectual expectations I had, before I realised that our rhythms could and would essentially write themselves.
What is a daily rhythm?
A daily rhythm is an intentional flow to the day, it is your breath in and breath out. It is an honouring of the way in which you do things within your home. It can look different day by day but in essence it outlines and holds space for your daily and weekly tasks. You may already have a rhythm, and not even realise you are doing it! When striving for peace within the home, the implementation of rhythm holds your family in a sacred and nurturing way, allowing space for all of that beautiful, creative, dreamy childhood magic to unfold organically.
‘ Meaning hides in repetition: We do this everyday or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blown out trip to Disney Land but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: The family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bed time, Saturday morning pancakes!’
– Kim John Payne
Tune into the natural rhythms of the day, the seasons and the year…
We only need to turn to the natural world around us to see that rhythm is a natural force around us, each and every day has a rhythm, a rhythm which changes and adapts which each coming season. The sun rises and sets at different times through out the year, completely dependant on the flow and becoming of the current season. A day in the natural world differs greatly between summer and winter, and so it does within your home. Considering this fact understanding rhythm means understanding that it will look much different from one season of your child’s life to the next. I quickly learnt this, as one minute I am a mother of a new born and a fresh two year old and the next minute my sweet new born baby was up and running with more energy and determination than his brig brother could ever encompass.
When the days were slower, and my second born was still mostly in my arms we were in the summer time, by Easter he was much more alert, winter time he was rolling and by spring he was crawling and by the next summer I had a wee little man who got up and walked on his first birthday. During this time we experienced many shifts and changes, just as the sunset and sunrise changed, so did their individual needs and their levels of development. The slow dreamy days at the beginning of the year found us connecting with each other through long lazy mornings in pyjamas and reading many books while mummy fed the baby. We went to playgroup only on a Wednesday, saw friends on a Thursday and we shopped for our food on a Friday. But for the most it was just us, at home feeling through it all, trying to understand and embody our new roles within our family. One of the things I worked out rather quickly was les is more. I worked out that if we woke, went for a walk, napped, played, and went to bed at the same times each day, and if our meal times were always arriving at a dependable time, it held our day well enough and gave me the room I needed to just feel through the rest of it. This also gave me the freedom and flexibility to give my self a break, no pressure to perform, to get out of our pyjamas, non of this wake before the children nonsense (even though I now have this luxury, due to their ages!) it was just about getting through our early days with as much gentle love and connection, my tired soul could muster, just by just being. Nothing more. Nothing less. Regardless of the ages of your children I suggest intuitively, while you are at the beginning of implementing a rhythm into your day, start with the bones of the day. Waking, breakfast, walk, snack, play, lunch, bath, dinner, bed. The rest can be looked at later, but if we start here we have the foundational rhythm and the rest can slowly be worked in once your children can depend on that predictability. In time the predictability of this foundational rhythm will give your children a feeling of comfort, security and safety.
Tune into your child and their needs
Our rhythm now, understandably looks much different to what it did back then. It is a beautiful and dependable part of our lifestyle, like an old familiar friend we can rely on. Now the boys are five and seven, I am taking on a little bit of work, we are home-schooling and each have different social commitments – the early days are very much behind us, however our foundational rhythm is still the same. When life happens and things get chaotic (and it always has a way of happening from time to time!) Everything else in our days and weeks can fall a part but that foundation still remains. We still sit for meals like clockwork at the same times each and every day. This dependable rhythm is what holds the family. The needs of my children are ever changing, what is working well for us now in the summer may not be working as well by the wintertime. I have adapted by changing our additional rhythms as many times as I need to, to make sure my children are feeling safe and secure.
Flow with change. And ask your self, “what is it that my child really needs at this time?”
Your unique family values are a fundamental part of planning out your daily and weekly rhythms. I have written a post about creating your unique family manifesto, you will find this in the journal section of this site and suggest it may be a very good place to start. It will help when it comes to understanding what it is that is important to you the most when it comes to your own family values. Things to consider are: your day, the way your would like it to flow, The rituals that make up your unique family culture, your interests and needs of your children and what predictable tasks your children need to help soothe and settle them into their days.
A typical Daily Rhythm for us as a home-school family looks like:
Wake
Shower
Get Dressed
Breakfast
Tidy and make beds
Outside /Walk
Morning movement / Circle Time
Snack
Main Lesson
Lunch
Creative Time
Story and Hot Chocolate
Afternoon Tea
Free Time / play
Dinner
Wind Down
Bath
Pyjamas
Story
Sleep
Obviously it changes daily to include social activities, interests and errands but this is a typical day at home for us.
Be gentle with yourself and tune into your own unique wisdom…
If I could travel in time and hold space for myself back when I was a new mother of two, I would give myself a big hug. I would pour me a warm tea and tell myself that I am enough, perfectly, perfect in all of my raw unfiltered humanness. I would tell me, to let go of the unrealistic expectations I give myself, and I would hold me while I cried. I would love me better than I loved me, back then. I would remind me, how to them , the little people in my life, I am the sun that brings warmth to their world, just by being me, exactly as I am.
Sadly, I didn’t give myself the space I needed back then, I was so tired and exhausted my husband was away so much and with out realising it I was falling into a old familiar pattern of over compensating and perpetual perfectionism. I never asked for help and I never accepted it when it was offered. Funnily enough, doing both these things, plus slowing down and sorting out what is most important and slowly but surely carving out a dependable and reliable rhythm gave me space for some much needed self care.
If you like me find your self right at the beginning with a yearning to cultivate a peaceful daily rhythm in your home, Go gently with yourself Mama, you are a unique wise and incredible being of light, you have the wisdom and love to guide your family gently into a peaceful rhythm. So take the time, even if it is for a few minutes to just sit with yourself, your arms around yourself in a hug and say thank you, You have come so far, and you are doing an incredible job. Also, you will go off rhythm. It will happen occasionally and things will get back on track, if it is happening constantly it is a wonderful reminder that you need more flexibility and your rhythm needs to be re-written. Also, ask for help, from your partner, from friends, from family from anyone you can trust. Together we can move mountains.
Also, I want you to be honest with yourself about what you can realistically achieve in your days and weeks without burning out. Also, mindfully leave space for you as well! I let a job I loved go last year for this reason. It was taking far too much of my presence out of my home and taking way to much away from me too. I give myself at least an hours rest in the afternoons while my boys play, and I make sure every Friday night I have a big deep bath, I leave space for reading in the evenings and before the pandemic I managed to attend a Wednesday night yoga class. What ever self care looks like for you, start small if you must, but make it a priority!
Start by taking the time to write down what is important to you and your family, write down the things you would like to hold space for on a daily and weekly basis. What will bring you more joy? what is currently bringing you joy and you would like to remain the same? What is taking space and time from you?
Decide which activities will be your foundational rhythm. Which activities need to happen at the same time each day?
Then add your additional activities, these will be the ones you find will change over time the most. You can get creative and create a beautiful daily rhythm chart for your wall.
There are many different rituals and rhythms that will slowly work their way into your days, soon you will find your daily rhythm is made up of a tapestry of rich individual bedtime, meal time and creative rhythms! but for now if we start with the basics we allow the magic of the rest to slowly unfold as we go. All great things take time and practice.
My hope by sharing my story and journey here, it opens up to a wider platform for more of us to share our voices as mothers. The more we share our experiences the more we cultivate seeds of understanding, wisdom and compassion. If you would like to share your own wisdom on the blog as a guest poster or if you have an enquiry of your own for me to answer, please reach out and get in contact with me via the ‘say G’day section of the website.
Stay tuned for my next post, ‘holding space for play.’
H x
